Tickle My Kittens

It was 1989 when I got my first computer - an Apple II GS.  I used to program in BASIC.  I remember Delphi, Prodigy, and the Internet before the Web.  I remember BBSs and measuring your dial-up connection in Bauds.  I remember when hard drives were an “add-on.”  I remember boot disks and 5 and a quarter floppies.  That computer was such a huge part of my life that eventually I would major in Computer Science and take a job as a patent attorney specializing in computer-related technology.  Now I spend my days pondering the inner-workings of high speed routers.

So when I see this CNN article about the 25th anniversary of the Commodore 64, my inner dork wet himself a little.  Though I never had one, I remember the Commodore 64, the Apple II, II+, IIc and IIe.  The Tandy at Radio Shack.  But then I got to this line:

“The computer featured 64 kilobits of memory (a lot for 1982)…”

The Commodore 64 had 64 kilobytes of memory.  If you’re going to do an entire article on the Commodore 64, you might want to get that one fact straight.  Saying that it had 64 kilobits of memory is like saying the Titanic sank because it hit some driftwood.    Ok, back to the nerdery for me.

 UPDATE:  They’ve fixed the story, but my point still stands.  I should have taken a screen shot.

This is the worst kind of blogging, but seriously, funnyordie.com is the best site ever.

I’m tired of this shit. Why do we have to be the only city with a retarded taxi system? Nobody likes zones, not even our Federal occupiers. The current system does not benefit anyone except the taxi drivers. Luckily, we elected Fenty and Graham to serve the interests of the taxi drivers. Bullshit, Fenty. I don’t want zones. I don’t want zone meters. I want the cost of my cab ride to be proportional to the distance/time of that ride. I know that may seem like a radical concept, but every other city has embraced it since, I don’t know, the beginning of time. As for the cab drivers, let them strike. I would like to see them try. This isn’t exactly a unified group of people we’re talking about. In their native countries, many of these drivers would be at war with each other. So what’s stopping Fenty from giving the people what they so obviously want? I knew he was going to end up being a douche bag mayor.

 UPDATE:  Oh.  This is one time I don’t mind eating my words.  Sweet, delicious, zone-free taxi system words.

I don’t know why I find these pictures so amusing, but I do.  And just when I thought it couldn’t get any funnier, somebody combined lolcatz with with postsecret to get the hilariously warped lolsecretz (via my friend Seattle Scribe).

I ran into an ex-girlfriend on the sidewalk the other day, along with her new guy. That’s never fun, but it was somehow made worse by the fact that her new guy is severely unattractive. About my height, 40 pounds overweight, balding. I was stunned. She is a very attractive woman – a head turner, if you will – and here she is with this oaf. Or ogre. Or troll, I don’t know, but he definitely lives under a bridge.

I was a little shaken from the whole experience. You see, this particular ex is one on a very short list of people who’ve summarily dumped me. I was completely in love with her, and then wham – one breakup phone call and I’ve got my head inside a whiskey bottle. It really is like having the breath knocked out of you. So my friend asked me, are you upset because you saw her with another guy, or because he’s so ugly.

Hmmm….

I think it’s because he’s so ugly. I’ve seen exes with their new guys plenty of times, but it’s never bothered me this much. There are just so many reactions: do I wonder why she is with that when she could be with me, or do I smugly pronounce “Ha! Serves her right. Stupid bitch.” Would I have felt better is she were with a man much more attractive than me? I mean, at least it would makes sense, even though it would sting the ego quite a bit. And what if she were with a guy that looked very similar to me? I really wouldn’t know what to think there. Flattered, I guess? Anyway, it really calls into question her taste, nay, every decision she’s ever made in her life. It makes me feel dirty that I was with a woman who clearly doesn’t care about the aesthetic characteristics of those she beds. Would she date Dick Cheney? And what does this say about me? I’m now somehow lumped into a group with pigboy just for dating her? Gross.

It’s just another example of a wide scale travesty endemic to Washington, DC: attractive people dating much, much less attractive people. Attractive girls dating ugly guys, attractive guys dating ugly girls, even attractive guys dating ugly guys [Ed. Note – I’ve yet to see a hot girl with an ugly girl. They’re usually both ugly]. Why do I see this so much? It’s almost like we need some kind of classifying body to issue us league levels. “Oh, you’re a 6? Well, I’m an 8. You’re a nice guy and all, but it would be illegal for me to date you.” No more of this “she’s a really nice person on the inside” crap. I want a system that’s reliable, predictable and objective. A system that brings equality to the dating world. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go fuck a model while it’s still legal for me to do so.

For those of you who might not recognize my sarcasm, well, have a heaping help…

I just don’t get it.  I’m a cute girl living in DC and I can’t find a decent guy.  What am I doing wrong?  Monday night I stay home and have a threesome with Ben and Jerry while watching 24.  Tuesday of course is yoga night.  Why are all the guys gay?  Wednesday is the night where I go to Halo or Cobalt and dance the night away with my gay friends, despite the fact that every gay guy in the bar is like “who the hell brought these stupid bitches.”  It’s almost like they keep me around for entertainment.   Of course Thursday is reserved for masturbating to that dorky guy in The Office.  If only I could find a guy that dorky in DC.  When Friday rolls around, me and my friends go dancing at Five and Chloe.  I just don’t understand why I can’t meet cool guys.  I mean, I’m at Chloe.  It’s so hip!!!1!  But I get the sneaking suspicion that they want to date rape me.  I just don’t get it - I’m in a place where I’m paying $8 for a beer and they’re blasting the best trance music you’ve ever heard.  Where are the cute normal boys?  Ugh, I just don’t get it.  It must be that they don’t exist in DC.  Because if they did, they would surely be here in Lima paying for overpriced drinks and hitting on girls with no discernable self esteem. 

And what really pisses me off is this guy in my building keeps flirting with me.  Sure he’s single, and he came over to disconnect the trap in my sink when I lost my ring, and he’s overly available in a non threatening way, and he’s a fiddle player in a local bluegrass band, but he’s such a dork.  I know Josh has his problems, and he does too much smack, and his punk flute band hasn’t taken off yet, but I believe in him.  He’s an artist.  He wouldn’t hit me if I weren’t important to him and his work.

But I’ll stick with him.  Because guys in DC suck.  I’ve searched the best places - Lucky Bar, Modern, Angry Inch, Adams Mill, Local 16 - and surprisingly enough, the guys suck.  It’s almost like normal guys hate overpriced beer and shitty music.  But don’t worry about me.  I’m hooking up with some 43 year old bald guy.  The best part?  His wife is out of town.  Score!!!