Tickle My Kittens

For those of you following at home, this is part three in my Missed Connections series. If you don’t know what’s going on, I highly recommend that you read part 1 and part 2. The main idea is that I posted a fake missed connection on Craig’s list as a woman, and several guys responded.

The results from the comments were counted last Tuesday, and it was clear from reader feedback that I should contact all five suitors to see who was really interested. So, I created a fake gmail account and started emailing. I didn’t get too detailed in my responses, just enough to get them to write back.

As of today (one week later), three have responded. I still haven’t decided where to go with this whole thing, but I do know that carrying on a dialog with three different guys and reporting the results here is going to be too confusing. That means we need to decide who gets to be the sole focus of our efforts. Here are the emails:

Bachelor #1,

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. Aparently gmail took all of the Craig’s List stuff and put it in my spam folder. If it was actually you, then apology accepted

Lacy

and his reply was

Did you ever find your MC? Seeing a posting that even /could/ be oneself is a pretty big lift. I imagine finding each other must be doubly sweet!

Not too bad. Still in the flirty stage, but there’s certainly potential here. Let’s see what his competition had to say.

.

Bachelor #3,

Ok, that’s just silly. Where’s the subtlety? On the other hand, you’re only one of a few guys I’m writing back. I have to admit, you have piqued my interest. Was it really you?

-Lacy

P.S. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. Apparently gmail took all of the Craig’s List stuff and put it in my spam folder.

his reply:

I wish it was me, but couldn’t a guy dream? Although, what caught your interest my love?

Are you serious? Talk about a change of tone, considering his first email was, “yep, just me getting off on your breasts.” We may have a reformed bad boy on our hands. Pretty good so far. Let’s see what our resident poet had to say.

.

Bachelor #5,

All that for little ol’ me? I have to admit I’m a little flattered.

-Lacy

P.S. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. Apparently gmail took all of the Craig’s List stuff and put it in my spam folder

his reply:

I am flattered Ms. Fitzpatrick that you actually replied to my e-mail. If only I were one ounce of air that swirls around your heavenly presence. I would not leave; even for a second. Just to be around such angelic beauty would complete my entire existence. I apologize for beaming into your luscious body in public, but I was fixated on utter perfection. I wish I could breath in your sensuous charms for hours. What could a man like me possibly do for your pleasure?

Solid. I had high hopes for this guy, and he did not disappoint. But, was he good enough to be our main squeeze? Comments are open for voting.

i think the adage “good things come in small packages” rings true. aside from the usual, low-budget jokes about male packages (full disclosure: i would undoubtedly make the joke at someone else’s expense if this were not my post), i think it’s possible that even as items get smaller, quality won’t be sacrificed by the reduction. from computers to hair styles, sometimes things just are better when they’re smaller.

however, right here and now, i am taking a stand against one small item: the all-in-one cell phone. sure, we all like smaller cell phones. i certainly don’t miss the old Nokia brick from my youth. and, in theory, all the added features like e-mail access and a camera seem to make sense to help you conserve valuable pocket space for keys, a wallet, and if you’re BAL, your hardpack of Virginia Slims.

with cell phone manufacturers packing more features into each tiny piece of hardware, it appears the sky is the limit for what cell phones can do. except for one thing: play music. have you ever heard the sound coming out of the built-in cell phone speakers? it’s like listening to static through a megaphone. in three words: really fucking annoying. sean kingston jokes aside, it’s so bad that i struggle to distinguish the music from the white noise.

in the last month, i’ve seen at least one person every day listening to music on their cell phones sans headphones. and for extended periods of time. why is this a good idea? aside from annoying every other person in the vicinity, the output sounds terrible and they’re probably experiencing severe hearing loss. it’s like sticking your ear next to the fire alarm during a fire drill.

the more important question, though, is why someone would CHOOSE to listen to this phone’s horrifying sound. i’ve been several feet away from people who rock out to their cell phones in public and they almost made my ears bleed. clearly if i can pick up on how bad the sound is, the owner should be able to as well. which leads me to suspect that it’s an attempt to just be an asshole in public, because the sound is on par with a crying baby. biologically, we just can’t ignore any sound that irritating.

at least with the boomboxes of yore i can understand why someone would turn up the volume for Run DMC or Guns N Roses. music sounds better from larger speakers. it would be annoying to hear someone rocking out to something so big and loud on the metro, sure, but at least we’d know why he or she was doing it. the music probably sounds good on it. rich, full bass, crystal clear vocals, etc. annoying but logical.

so, why someone would opt to suffer through the thin, high-pitched squeals from his/her cell phone’s pathetic speakers is both crazy and stupid. they are impressing no one and annoying everyone. i think perhaps it’s time we all brought back the boom box in protest. i’m no audiophile but if my senses are going to be assaulted by someone else’s music, it might as well sound good and do the music justice.

would the scene in Say Anything be the same if Lloyd Dobler were holding a RAZR? and, similarly, would Pump Up the Volume and Breakin’ make any sense without a boom box? i suspect not. so, for god’s sake, if you want to listen to music in public, respect the music and leave your cell phone in your pocket. look back into 80s culture and reach for something that, while annoying, at least sounds good to the rest of us. just leave the rest of the 80s behind.

So, as the token female on this blog, clearly I am required to respond to the oh-so-lovely and not-at-all-angry-sounding post about meeting decent guys in DC. It took me a while to figure out just how I wanted to respond: Do I do my own ironic post, flipping the perspective? (No, because the guy perspective of “Why can’t I meet an only slightly crazy girl in a tight halter top in DC” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.) Do I write a rebuttal about why girls should be allowed to both go to Chloe and expect to find a decent guy? (No, because that is clearly untrue and just stupid.) Do I do some post about how RCR seems kind of angry about the ladies? (No, because despite his drunken ranting, he was pretty spot on with most of that post.)

I actually agree with what much of RCR said, with the exception of mocking the love of Jim on “The Office.” That was just a low blow — he’s not even an embarassing choice. Someone like David Boreanaz, then I’d understand the mockery. But I digress…

I did, however, want to respond, because I am an ostensibly cute girl living in DC who’s had a hard time meeting a “decent guy.” The difference is, I do frequent the dive bars and places so often recommended for meeting normal guys. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Monday, I had a dinner date with a guy who was both funny and above average-looking. The meal was great, we had some wine and laughed a lot — it was one of the better dates I’d been on. He dropped me off, then called 10 minutes later to leave a voicemail telling me he “thought the goodbye was awkward, that maybe there could have been some kiss potential” but wanted me to know it wasn’t me. He just doesn’t kiss on the first date. Yes, dude, it was awkward, and now you have made it exponentially more so by pointing it out.

Tuesday, I went to Chipotle for lunch, where i watched two dudes compete to see who could eat their burrito the fastest. The one in the George Washington University Rugby sweatshirt just barely beat his buddy in the “I put the ‘me’ in Awesome” t-shirt. I’m not sure “awesome” is the word I’d use.

Wednesday, I was minding my own business on the Metro, when a very small man riding the escalator behind me oh-so-gently cupped my ass. Twice.

Thursday, I stayed home and watched The Office. Suck it.

Friday, I got hit on by a guy at Buffalo Billiards to whom I was able to respond, “I will give you my number if you button three more buttons on your shirt.” I don’t think that needs any more commentary. And then I saw “I don’t kiss on the first date” man making out with a girl in the corner.

Saturday, I met a few guys at the Big Hunt, who I chatted with for a while, but then overheard getting the address for “the Korean brothel right up the street.” (Clearly, I immediately passed that info along to BAL.)

Sunday, I went out to swim at Hains Point, where a man far too old to be wearing a Speedo asked if I wanted any pointers on my breaststroke. Funny, sir. You’ve had 30 more years than me to come up with sexual innuendos, and that’s still what you’re bringing to the table?

So there you have it. After reminiscing all those lovely encounters, I’m too worn out to come up with a witty or even coherent conclusion. Who knows what the problem is. Maybe I’m just ugly. Maybe my drinking problem is a lot more obvious than I thought and even random guys in bars are scared. Maybe the fact that I surround myself with people (and by people I mean trainwrecks) like DA and BAL is hampering my social skills. Perhaps I’ll just stay at home and stare at John Krasinski on my TV until we figure it out.

For those of you who might not recognize my sarcasm, well, have a heaping help…

I just don’t get it.  I’m a cute girl living in DC and I can’t find a decent guy.  What am I doing wrong?  Monday night I stay home and have a threesome with Ben and Jerry while watching 24.  Tuesday of course is yoga night.  Why are all the guys gay?  Wednesday is the night where I go to Halo or Cobalt and dance the night away with my gay friends, despite the fact that every gay guy in the bar is like “who the hell brought these stupid bitches.”  It’s almost like they keep me around for entertainment.   Of course Thursday is reserved for masturbating to that dorky guy in The Office.  If only I could find a guy that dorky in DC.  When Friday rolls around, me and my friends go dancing at Five and Chloe.  I just don’t understand why I can’t meet cool guys.  I mean, I’m at Chloe.  It’s so hip!!!1!  But I get the sneaking suspicion that they want to date rape me.  I just don’t get it - I’m in a place where I’m paying $8 for a beer and they’re blasting the best trance music you’ve ever heard.  Where are the cute normal boys?  Ugh, I just don’t get it.  It must be that they don’t exist in DC.  Because if they did, they would surely be here in Lima paying for overpriced drinks and hitting on girls with no discernable self esteem. 

And what really pisses me off is this guy in my building keeps flirting with me.  Sure he’s single, and he came over to disconnect the trap in my sink when I lost my ring, and he’s overly available in a non threatening way, and he’s a fiddle player in a local bluegrass band, but he’s such a dork.  I know Josh has his problems, and he does too much smack, and his punk flute band hasn’t taken off yet, but I believe in him.  He’s an artist.  He wouldn’t hit me if I weren’t important to him and his work.

But I’ll stick with him.  Because guys in DC suck.  I’ve searched the best places - Lucky Bar, Modern, Angry Inch, Adams Mill, Local 16 - and surprisingly enough, the guys suck.  It’s almost like normal guys hate overpriced beer and shitty music.  But don’t worry about me.  I’m hooking up with some 43 year old bald guy.  The best part?  His wife is out of town.  Score!!!

so token female and i started watching Heroes tonight. as we all know, this was a popular show last season, but i refused to succumb to the hype. the reason (and i can’t speak for her on this, mostly because she watches an ungodly number of shit tv shows) is because i can only handle a few tv shows every season. invariably, i will start watching a number of new tv shows at the beginning of each season, and by episode three, i instinctively trim the fat and get rid of everything i didn’t watch the season before.

for instance, last season, i was intrigued by The Nine on ABC. for everyone but the 20 other viewers out there, it was about this failed bank robbery and how it affected nine strangers. of course it ended up being a terrible show, but i am usually willing to give any veteran of Wings a shot at collecting a check that doesn’t have ‘USA NETWORK RERUN’ in the memo section.

anyway, i saw the first episode and immediately added it to my Tivo as a season pass. big mistake. by the third episode i started deleting every new episode immediately after they were recorded because i knew i would never waste my time with them again. aside from borrowing liberally from Lost’s formula, it devolved into a series of ridiculous plotlines by the second episode with some terrible acting to boot. if they had steven weber on screen alongside tim daly, maybe it could have worked. maybe.

it’s been the same issue with 24 since its first season as well. don’t get me wrong, it’s a fine show. gimmicky? yes. but i imagine its probably compelling to the millions of people who watch it. i made it through six episodes. in fact, i’ve never seen more than seven episodes of any season of 24. maybe i just can’t commit to watching so much chloe. but i try again at the start of every new season because i still want to see why people are compelled to sit there for an hour and watch keifer southerland yell at everything around him.

so, the odds are not favor of Heroes. after watching the pilot i had even less hope. there was one scene where ‘the cheerleader’ (you may recall the nifty slogan, ’save the cheerleader, save the world’ or whatever it was) rushes into burning wreckage to save a man. when she pulls him out, the camera cuts to her dragging him from the wreckage. this highschool cheerleader magically morphs into a very large stuntman with a wig hanging on for dear life atop his head. maybe that’s secretly her magical power?

ANYWAY, i think this is what pisses me off about most TV shows. there always seem to be little things that immediately take me out of the storyline. even if it’s unavoidable, it certainly is an immediate mood killer.

at the end of the day i guess TV shows just have relatively small budgets, which help cause continuity issues. sure, i can see that NBC poured a lot of money into the pilot, but come on, look at that those two photos and tell me they couldn’t have done one more take with the wig at least squarely on his head?? i won’t be able to look at another action scene with the cheerleader again without looking at the hair piece.

at least hire a stuntman or woman with a smaller bodyframe. this guy is probably bigger than the victim he saved, and hunching over like quasimodo doesn’t hide it. my point is that i think there are several things they could do to keep me engrossed in this show.

but maybe this is part of a larger issue. maybe this helps explain why there are those of us who just aren’t great at dating. maybe you go out with a girl, think she’s great, but then all of a sudden she gets out of the car and looks totally different and isn’t the same person.

like in spaceballs, the girl you just made out with now has a beard and can bench press more than you can.

but she could save you from a burning train.

but maybe this also means that there could be a larger truth to the inconsistencies found in TV shows. i’m sure the producers of Heroes would love to think their work has a larger effect on their audience than just entertainment anyway, but are they trying to remind us with these mistakes that there is more to the people we know than just what we see most of the time? are they telling us that we should be okay with seeing these horrifically bizarre and poorly-timed glimpses into the other people around us? or, perhaps i am just trying to find meaning in bad TV shows, just like everyone else.

at any rate, TF just went to sleep. i’m going to start disc 2 and find out. that japanese guy is hilarious. i can’t wait to see what he does next.

Although it does not, in any way, compare with Scott’s ongoing adventure in the world of Craigslist Missed Connections, I recently had my very own experience in the world of free online classifieds.

I’m currently in the process of moving from one apartment to another and because my new place is roughly 1/10 the size of my old place, I had to get rid of some things. Specifically, I needed to get rid of a desk, a couch, and a very large glass dining room table. Unfortunately, none of my friends were in need of couches or glass dining room tables, so I found myself turning to the internets in an effort to unload these items that had suddenly become quite useless to me.

At this point, it should be noted that my furniture was not precisely “high quality” or “expensive”. For the better part of the last four years I have been living in something akin to a frat house, so most of my furniture tends to be a little bit “well worn”. Indeed, I suspect that my couch has probably been exposed to more types of syphilis and foot fungus than Paris Hilton’s podiatrist. So I felt that it would be somewhat unfair to try and make any money off of any of these aforementioned furniture items. And so it was that I found myself posting an ad on Craigslist in which I offered to give my furniture away, free of charge, to whoever would come and pick it up.

Let me repeat that: I was trying to give furniture away for free. Totally, and completely free of charge. All I asked was that people just get the damn things out of my house. And sure enough, as soon as I posted my ad, the emails started flooding in. Much to my delight, it appeared that giving furniture away for free was going to be incredibly easy—like stealing candy from a baby or simply giving away heroin to a heroin addict.

With literally dozens of potential emails in my inbox, I did what anybody in my position would do: I responded to those who lived nearby and those who promised on their lives to come pick up the furniture (and in one or two cases, I just responded because they had attractive, female-sounding names). But then after exchanging emails with three or four people, all of whom promised to show up to pick up various pieces of free furniture, something unexpected happened: Nobody showed up.

After exchanging emails, giving out addresses and phone numbers, and having people literally swear on their relatives’ lives that they would arrive during thus-and-such a given timeframe, people just totally left me hanging. I waited hours for people to arrive and they simply never came.

At first, I couldn’t figure it out. Why, after taking the time to write me, exchange emails, and offer to come collect my furniture (did I mention it was FREE???), would people just fail to show up without so much as a phone call? Did they find better, less syphilis-laden furniture in another post? Did they start to suspect that I was some sort of serial rapist as they began to wonder why anybody in their right mind would give furniture away free of charge?

I was stumped. I mean, I can think of any number of reasons why people might have some reservations about taking free furniture from a total stranger. I cannot, however, figure out why those thoughts didn’t occur to people before they responded to my ads. Worse yet, I couldn’t figure out why nobody called to tell me that they no longer wanted my suddenly sketchy furniture. After all, I had exchanged emails with these people and given them my phone number in case they got lost. Clearly I was, in fact, a living breathing human being and not just some sort of twisted perv who got off on writing fake postings for free furniture on Craigslist.

But then I read Scott’s posts, and suddenly everything fell into place.

The issue was not that the social contract had somehow broken down and that people had suddenly become total assholes. No, the issue was Craigslist.

There’s something about the delightful anonymity of Craigslist that allows people to behave in a manner that they otherwise might not. Craigslist is a place where you can raise your voice and say, “Hell yes, I was staring at your breasts on the metro”; It is a place where people go in search of casual sexual encounters with total and complete strangers; And it is, evidently, a place where you can offer to collect a couch from somebody and then just totally fail to follow through.

I have no idea just what sort of implications this phenomenon has for society at large. All I do know is that I intend to pay all you twisted fake Craigslisters back. After having to go through it myself, I think that I too might take a child-like delight in writing people up and offering to pick up their old coffee tables or desk lamps, and then just not showing up at all. Or perhaps I’ll take Scott’s lead and start trying to set up fraudulent dates and missed connections. I mean, if I thought it was bad sitting around my house waiting for people to show up, it would have to be ten times worse sitting around a restaurant waiting for a date that was never coming.

Sadly, however, I’m probably ultimately just a little too nice to do any of these things. Now that I have tasted the bitter pill of being stood up on Craigslist, I am loath to put anybody else through such pain.

…although I will totally submit the email addresses of those people who stood me up to any spammer or pornographic website that I can find. Those lousy assholes deserve whatever comes their way…

We here at Tickle My Kittens, are pleased to announce that we are adding yet another member to our motley little crew. RCR, or the Rock Creek Rambler will also be joining our not-so-illustrious team and I, for one, couldn’t be more excited. RCR was one of the first actual “bloggers” to notice my old site and I’m pretty sure that it was his positive endorsement that was responsible for doubling my readership from 2-4. So joining forces feels like it has a delightful symmetry to it—like eating a Cinnabon ring by delicious ring. It’s all very Circle-of-Life….that, and perhaps most importantly, each additional person who writes here at TMK means that there will be one less post that I’ll have to put up.

Anyhoo, I suspect that most people reading this are already familiar with Rock Creek Rambler, so I won’t belabor this introduction. He’s a damn fine writer and I suspect he might be just a little bit crazy so between the five of us, I’m sure we’ll come up with some interesting stuff—most of which we’ll forget by the time we sober up.

Welcome to the team, buddy.

For the full story of what’s going on here please read part 1, but here’s a quick summary:

Drunken Astronaut wrote a post about zoning out on the metro while accidentally staring at a woman’s breasts. I wrote a Craig’s List missed connection add about it as a joke, pretending that I was the woman. Various men across the district have been responding to my add over the past few days.

So, now that you’re up to speed, this is what we’re going to do. I’ve selected five of my favorite suitors, and I’m going to post their responses here along with my analysis. Then it’s up to you, our readers, to decide whom I email back to see if it really was a missed connection. Ready? Allow me to introduce…

.

Bachelor #1

I was on the red line yesterday, tall and lanky, listening to my iPod and, embarrassed to say, spacing out whilst staring at breasts. I offer apologies and/or compliments as appropriate.

Oh, bachelor #1, you sweet talker. I’m only including you in the competition to give an example of what the vast majority of the responses sounded like. Next.

.

Bachelor #2

This could have been me…..when did this happen?….I i did similar, but might have been the orange line…..let me know…..if it was you…you said something to me, but i had my ipod….volume too far up. Were you with anyone? I can describe them if need be.

Now this is more like it. Just think about what happened here. A girl was sitting there with her boyfriend and the guy across from them started staring at her boobs. She then called him out, and he just ignored her. Awesome.

.

Bachelor #3

yep, just me getting off on your breasts

Ok, dude, where’s the subtlety? That’s just dirty.

.

Bachelor #4

That could easily have been me, but you probably described half a million incidents today. Fwiw, I was on red line about 8:15 this morning from F Hts to downtown, you were already on, I was standing in center aisle, you were sitting & got off at Dupont or Farragut. If that was you (could you confirm - what was one of us wearing or which side were you sitting on?), I apologize profusely for my rudeness; I couldn’t help but look at such a pleasant view is my only excuse.

Wow, that’s a very detailed account of… what’s that? Another email from you?

ps - regardless of whether your posting was actually about you and me, it came as a rude awakening and I was very embarrassed to read it. I’m happily married, and a geeky sort of guy who would not do anything contrary to that state. I can’t help looking around when I am on the metro, and I can’t help noticing an attractive woman. But I’m very sorry to have stared, and next time I will fight that urge.

Look, your second email cleared up nothing. If anything it complicated the plot and propelled you from awkward to creepy.

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Bachelor #5

It was hard not to stare. You were stunning! Any man with intelligence would relish in your beauty. Words escape me when I think about your taut frame and your soft mannerisms. Languishing over your beautiful features was the highlight of my day. Say yes?

Your words are a silk bed sheet, and I will respond in kind. I find it unfathomable that a girl could rebuff a man of your obvious verbosity.

.

So, there you have it. Who should get the follow up email? The phone lines are open!

OK, while we’re all waiting for Scott’s update to the Missed Connections I figured I might as well get on it and do my first post. I’m clearly not going to be anywhere near as funny as Scott has proven to be, so the plan is for this to fly right under the radar as soon as he updates.

I realize I’m a bit late to the game on my inaugural post. Most of you probably assumed I’m actually just a figment of Bad at Life’s imagination because, really, who expected that he’d have any females other than his mom in his world? But here I am, live and in type. As the Token Female I should probably take this time to introduce myself or discuss something female-y, but off the bat, I feel the need to correct a few things Bad at Life said. And really, that’s probably what most of my future posts will be as I have very few original thoughts. I’ll be like the stern, sexy teacher who continually cuts you down, but you kind of like it, so welcome to it.

First, I will not spend most of my time whining about how hard it is to meet boys on Late Night Shots. I will actually spend most of my time pointing out what an idiot he is (and, for that matter, the Drunk Astronaut, too. My love for Scott, though, knows no bounds). Then, if there’s time, I may expound on things like why dudes in this city are such asshats, why The Office is arguably the greatest show of all time (and how/why I would like to do dirty, dirty things to John Krasinski), and why I am much, much sexier than anyone else involved with this blog.

Second, I am quite sure I love Tang more than the Drunk Astronaut. For real — I drink it almost daily. Unless, of course, BAL was trying to make a veiled joke about tang of the lower-case variety — then the Drunk Astronaut really is the bigger fan.

Third, if anyone is looking to the Astronaut as his (or her) expert on women, he (or she) is in deep, deep trouble. I think he himself summed it up best in this text message he sent me one Tuesday night, while out with his underage lover: “I am in Georgetown and I’m a trainwreck. I sort of hate myself.” Then again, maybe it’s that kind of self-awareness that will bring him great success. That, and the unabashed tit staring.

Fourth, I need to commend Scott for using “panty” in what I think is the only situation ever in which I haven’t been made uncomfortable by that word. I’m not even going to bother expounding on the Craigslist thing, because that is just so beyond words.

There you have it. And now back to waiting for the Missed Connections reveal…

Ok, this is just too funny not to share with our literally tens of readers.

In his inaugural post yesterday, Drunken Astronaut talked about his experience with a new set of noise canceling headphones. They made him feel so removed from the world in front of him that he, among other things, found himself staring at a woman’s breasts on the metro like they were on television.

So, to be silly, I posted a fake missed connection on Craig’s List entitled “Eyes up here, buddy - w4m - 28″.

You: Tall, lanky guy listening to iPod, staring at my breasts with a dazed look on your face.

Me: Slightly offended, slightly flattered.

Did we have a missed connection or were you the only one getting off on the red line?

Finally, I wrote a comment on his post and included a link to the Craig’s List page, pretending like she had posted that first. Ha ha, very funny. I chuckled to myself as I am inclined to do when I waste 15 minutes on something dumb.

And that was it… or so I thought.

I completely forgot that people might actually reply to my Missed Connection add. As I write this post, the emails are still pouring in from guys who admit that they were blatantly staring at a pair of breasts on the metro yesterday. This is appalling and fantastic at the same time.

At this point I think the best thing to do is to wait for the replies to stop coming in and then post the best ones here.