For the full story of what’s going on here please read part 1, but here’s a quick summary:
Drunken Astronaut wrote a post about zoning out on the metro while accidentally staring at a woman’s breasts. I wrote a Craig’s List missed connection add about it as a joke, pretending that I was the woman. Various men across the district have been responding to my add over the past few days.
So, now that you’re up to speed, this is what we’re going to do. I’ve selected five of my favorite suitors, and I’m going to post their responses here along with my analysis. Then it’s up to you, our readers, to decide whom I email back to see if it really was a missed connection. Ready? Allow me to introduce…
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Bachelor #1
I was on the red line yesterday, tall and lanky, listening to my iPod and, embarrassed to say, spacing out whilst staring at breasts. I offer apologies and/or compliments as appropriate.
Oh, bachelor #1, you sweet talker. I’m only including you in the competition to give an example of what the vast majority of the responses sounded like. Next.
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Bachelor #2
This could have been me…..when did this happen?….I i did similar, but might have been the orange line…..let me know…..if it was you…you said something to me, but i had my ipod….volume too far up. Were you with anyone? I can describe them if need be.
Now this is more like it. Just think about what happened here. A girl was sitting there with her boyfriend and the guy across from them started staring at her boobs. She then called him out, and he just ignored her. Awesome.
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Bachelor #3
yep, just me getting off on your breasts
Ok, dude, where’s the subtlety? That’s just dirty.
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Bachelor #4
That could easily have been me, but you probably described half a million incidents today. Fwiw, I was on red line about 8:15 this morning from F Hts to downtown, you were already on, I was standing in center aisle, you were sitting & got off at Dupont or Farragut. If that was you (could you confirm - what was one of us wearing or which side were you sitting on?), I apologize profusely for my rudeness; I couldn’t help but look at such a pleasant view is my only excuse.
Wow, that’s a very detailed account of… what’s that? Another email from you?
ps - regardless of whether your posting was actually about you and me, it came as a rude awakening and I was very embarrassed to read it. I’m happily married, and a geeky sort of guy who would not do anything contrary to that state. I can’t help looking around when I am on the metro, and I can’t help noticing an attractive woman. But I’m very sorry to have stared, and next time I will fight that urge.
Look, your second email cleared up nothing. If anything it complicated the plot and propelled you from awkward to creepy.
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Bachelor #5
It was hard not to stare. You were stunning! Any man with intelligence would relish in your beauty. Words escape me when I think about your taut frame and your soft mannerisms. Languishing over your beautiful features was the highlight of my day. Say yes?
Your words are a silk bed sheet, and I will respond in kind. I find it unfathomable that a girl could rebuff a man of your obvious verbosity.
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So, there you have it. Who should get the follow up email? The phone lines are open!
Entries (RSS)
August 10th, 2007 at 6:54 am
bachelor #5! I’m picturing Chris Walken as the Continental, but with a better command of the english language. He’s never been on the metro, and he replies to most of the female posted missed connections hoping to trick some unsuspecting woman.
August 10th, 2007 at 7:25 am
I agree with Carrie M, #5. Any guy that smooth on both the Metro and CList deserves to be screwed with.
However, Carrie M, I disagree on the Chris Walken…talk another read. This time, however, slow down the speech pattern and enter a more saultry voice….
This was clearly Antonio Banderas.
August 10th, 2007 at 9:01 am
i too agree with #5. i can just see him as the type who says things like “do you like the republican cock?!” clearly this is token female’s kind of man. respond with a picture of her.
August 10th, 2007 at 9:39 am
I agree that bachelor #5 is clearly going to come back with an awesome response, but I’m kind of interested to see more about what’s behind door #4. That guy is obviously grappling with some issues (”I’m married, I shouldn’t be looking at breasts! But innocently emailing Craigslist Missed Connections about ogling said breasts is fine, right?”) and I’d like to see how he copes. Also, I really like that he asked if “she” could confirm by telling him what one or both of them were wearing. Does it really matter, friend? What if this is another woman with what seem to be nice knockers? Do you only want to deal with that one special lady you gawked at on Tuesday?
Also, DA: Fook you.
August 10th, 2007 at 10:01 am
TF, you’d like to see “how he copes.” Really. This guy is married. Coping is the least of his problems. #4 is a Dr. Phil special at best, and a Jerry Springer guest at worst.
Clearly, if this guy is jonesing for ‘her’ to ‘tell him what one or both of them were wearing’, he has some weird fantasy role playing going on in his mind that is clearly not healthy for anyone.
#5, though. This is clearly a confident guy. Perhpaps a collar-popper kind of guy with his pastel Izod shirt and loafers… This just screams, “hey, I’m sweet.” (translation: please screw with me via email).
August 10th, 2007 at 10:03 am
good call on Antonio Banderas. I stand corrected.
Maybe you should also respond to #4 saying you’ll be conducting etiquette classes at X location. That dude will absolutely turn up. Sweating bullets and turned pink with excitable guilt, but he would be there.
August 10th, 2007 at 10:12 am
I definitely vote for saying yes to #5. If he’s throwing taut and languish when words escape him than imagine the email you’ll get in response after he’s gained some composure.
August 10th, 2007 at 10:19 am
Eric - that was the funniest comment I’ve read in a while.
So, it looks like #5 is pulling out to an early lead, but it’s still anyone’s game. Anyone else…?
August 10th, 2007 at 10:47 am
I’m curious what the dooshy married guy would say if you tried to meet him.
Doosh.
August 10th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
it seems like #5 has already won, but i’m going to throw in a vote for that one, too.
August 10th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Bachelor #1: No self-respecting man who uses smiley faced emoticons to convey emotion is worth an e-mail.
Bachelor #2: This guy writes…like Hemingway…after a bump of meth…can’t decide…if that’s…a good thing.
Bachelor #3: Direct. Rude. Thanks for participating, VK.
Bachelor #4: Too apologetic. I get it. You ogled some breasts. Own your behavior, don’t apologize profusely hoping to paint a different image of yourself.
Bachelor #5: Take it easy, Hallmark. “languish”? “taut frame”? This is isn’t Victorian England, dude.
Here’s my suggestion. Since this is an experiment of sorts, e-mail them ALL back.
August 10th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
I like where Arjewtino’s head is at. Also, I am not at all convinced that Bachelor #5 isn’t actually the Drunk Astronaut. He was an English literature major, after all. And he’s just desperate enough to troll Missed Connections on a regular basis.
August 10th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
Okay, clearly I’m in the minority, but I vote foe #3. All the other guys can sugar coat it all they want, but at the end of the day, they’re still just admitting to staring at boobs on the metro. In contrast, #3 is just letting it all hang out there. He was staring at breasts and he’s proud of it. I think 3# and I could probably hang out…in fact, there’s probably a 50-50 chance that we already do.
…that said, I like Arjewtino’s idea an awful lot……
August 10th, 2007 at 10:44 pm
BAL, thanks for the vote on #3, but you know the rules…You can’t vote for yourself (pervert).
Arjewtino, you have revelutionized this game. Perhaps we email them all…and then start removing them round by round, a la Reality TV, based upon their answers. At some point though, to continue, they really need to provide photos.
(internal monologue: Does this suggestion make me a bad person…No, I’m sure BAL would back me on this…so I’m fine)
August 11th, 2007 at 8:53 pm
I’m in the Arjewtino camp. Email them all and ask for pics right off the bat. Then decide who to fuck with further. I actually bet that #3 wouldn’t supply one because I think anyone can be that cocky over the net - that’s easy, but he’d coward out if he had to prove it, #5 would supply someone else’s, the first 2 would supply their own and the married guy, tho he wouldn’t send his picture, would look into therapy for even considering it. Actually, he might respond apologetically w/ that explanation.
August 12th, 2007 at 10:48 pm
Am I the only who noticed that the ever-popular #5 didn’t actually ASK a question that would merit the breathily-phrased-clicheed-and-yet-mysteriously-alluring “Say yes?” Also, let’s find out more about what constitutes “soft mannerisms,” shall we? Was the girl in question swooning on a fainting couch whilst adjusting her corset, and deferring to a man for some major decision making?
And bachelor #2 should be eliminated immediately for his rampant…abuse of the ellipsis…which I found……….infuriating.. (Or maybe his “.” is stuck and I’m being insensitive, but whatever. Fix it.)
Bachelor #4 is clearly kept in a crate in his kitchen at home, and he’s afraid of his keeper reading the emails he wrote because then he’d get the hose again.
Bachelor #3 is just being honest. He’s totally the least terrifying. You are the one who brought up boobs in the first place. I like him. He can follow direction.
Bachelor #1 uses emoticons. Block him.
August 13th, 2007 at 10:54 am
Wow. Check out number 2.
August 14th, 2007 at 9:19 am
Did you just link to a livejournal site? Seriously?
Special exemption suggestion: Both #4 and #5. Let’s see how serious matrimony is, and whether 5 has a thesaurus by his desk.